Here We Go….

This is going to be mash-up of what’s going on with me right now. 

Yesterday was Friday….FINALLY. I was so excited that it was the weekend I can’t even tell you. It’s been a long week and I was ready to let my hair down and enjoy. At school yesterday the kids got to play three different games in class — mostly word games and such. It was really fun though! And then when it got to the planning period, my teacher asked if I just wanted to play some cards….so we did! 

Let’s see….some other stuff happened I won’t talk about….let’s just say it was strange, misleading, and upsetting all at the same time. 

Um, last night I had big plans with a LOT of my friends and we went out downtown to have ourselves a GRAND ol’ time. The pictures above are of me after getting ready. Like the curls? :)  I curled my hair, put on a brand new dress, slipped on a cute necklace, and enjoyed myself….thoroughly!

While we were out last night, some guy literally pulled me aside I was walking to find my friends and put his arm around me and said, “I love you. I’m totally in love with you. You had to know.”

Never seen this man before in my life. 

I needed some backup…and the friends were nowhere to be found! 

Hmmmm…my legs are sore today from the amount of dancing I did last night…but that’s a good thing! Maybe more tonight?! 

Ok now on to SATURDAY! I made a plan earlier in the week that I HAD to get to the Farmer’s Market today so I went over there near their closing time and found some good things! I got some homemade doughnuts as a special treat, some homemade strawberry jam, a bag of mixed kinds of sweet onions, and finally some homemade whole wheat bread with NO preservatives. 

For breakfast I cooked myself up some deliciously fresh hard-boiled eggs, some toast with (real) butter and my new jam, and a clementine. Healthy, non mon ami?

I think that in the past 48 or 72 hours since I changed my facebook status about my relationship, I think that over 7 guys have tried to get in touch with me either via text/facebook/gmail/tumblr. Flattering I guess? I don’t know really what else to say about it. And too strange all at the same time. Too too strange. 

Santino’s nails REALLY need to get cut but I can’t do them by myself…hence, I have a lot of scratches on my arms and legs right now. Not on purpose…it just kind of seems to happen. I look like a cutter!

I have a few thoughts I need to get out. I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships this week (obviously) and love. I’ve thought a lot about my past relationships, and especially about my relationship with Sal. Here are a few things I’ve come up with that I think are important:

• Only two people know what’s going on a relationship — When people hear that your relationship has ended, the first thing they want to do is offer an opinion on it. This is bad news. I ran into one of Sal’s friends of a friend last night and this was the first thing they wanted to do. They wanted to make this huge judgment call on our relationship and I had to sit back and say to myself, “This person has never spent any quality time with Sal and I. They have no idea what went on in our relationship. Hell, they’ve never even spent quality time with either one of us on a one-on-one basis. They don’t know us at all.” And he tried to say bad things about Sal, and then bad things about me, and then good things about Sal, and good things about me and the only thing I could keep thinking was — god, get me out of here. I didn’t want to hear it. The ONLY people that know what our relationship truly was like was Sal and I. Even our parents and siblings, who do know US really well, don’t know our relationship because it was between the two of us. Friends and family shouldn’t try to give an opinion or a judgment call about what our relationship was like, or the point of it, or the value of it, or how we were together because quite frankly, they don’t know. Friends and family would see us together for a few hours, maybe a few days MAX at the most and that’s not enough time to know what we really had. I think the most important lesson learned from this observation this week is: Make decisions about YOUR relationship based on conversations you have with you and your partner. Don’t go outside the relationship and assume that some other party is going to be an expert on whether “Sal and Jera” or “Tom and Sue” should be together because only those two people can really answer that question. And, when looking at other people’s relationships, don’t make judgment calls about things you don’t know about. 
• You’ll Never Make Everyone Happy — Everyone wants something from you. That’s a given. People form relationships with you because they want something from that connection whether it be: money, love, attention, connections, status, someone to vent to, someone to continue bad habits with, a friendship, etc. So when it comes to big decisions in your life, everyone is going to have an opinion. They’re going to have an opinion about your job, your major, your school, your car, your significant other, your goals, etc. And the bottom line is, you simply can’t try to make everyone happy. I think that both Sal and I struggled with this. I think that some of his friends didn’t understand why Sal went so outside their clique and “comfort friends” in order to find a girlfriend…I think that some of my friends were jealous about the relationship Sal and I had and were quick to judge it every now and then. And if these comments are the kind of thing that gets to you, then you’re going to make rash and bad decisions based on trying to make other people happy. You know what, at the end of the day….I don’t CARE what people think. I care about what I think…and if I want to be with someone, I’m going to be with them! 
• People that don’t like change or growing up will never support you changing or growing up — In my age group and generation, there’s something I like to call the “college disease”. This is actually a well-researched idea that I’m about to talk about. In America, college is mostly about partying. It’s about binge drinking, doing drugs, hooking up with a lot of different people, and going to class hungover. This little “fun zone” goes on for about four years. And the world is completely carefree and lovely because you have pretty much zero responsibility. Then, college ends. And so does all that. Life takes over and so does responsibility. Adulthood comes upon you. I would say about half college-grads quickly find their footing and enter the world in a real job, pay their bills, rent an apartment (not live at home), and go to work on a daily basis and enjoy the carefree times on the weekend. I would say the other half have no idea what to do. They want to be back in college…they want to party every night still. They go back to their college to visit all the time because they want to relive the “glory days”. They have some kind of settling-type job just to pay the bills but not take up too much of their time. THEY DON’T WANT TO CHANGE. THEY DON’T WANT TO GROW UP. And you know what they don’t want even more? ANY OF THEIR FRIENDS TO GROW UP OR CHANGE EITHER. They like to see everyone still in the same place in their life because it’s like a comfort blanket to them. If everything stays the same then they won’t really be doing anything out of the ordinary — it’ll justify their behavior. But, when one breaks out of the group and starts trying to be better — make better grades, make good friends, make better choices, take on some responsibility, enjoy themselves and get crazy on the weekends but not on a daily basis, shed bad habits, etc….it threatens them and they try to say that that person is “not themselves anymore” or “changing in bad ways” or “not being the real Joe”….they don’t want to support it because they don’t want to acknowledge the fact that they should be doing the same thing. 
• No one has the luxury of ignoring the future — I would call myself a pretty flexible, carefree, open-minded person. I certainly don’t have my whole life planned out. I am undecided about where I want to hold a job next year…I want to teach in Europe maybe at some point before I have kids, I want to live in different places around the country, I want to teach at a variety of different schools with different age groups, I want to explore whenever I have the opportunity. I don’t plan every little piece of my future, but I don’t ignore it either. I don’t pretend like it’s not happening. I accept that I have a future and try to figure out where I want things to be and happen — people can’t just say “Oh, the future doesn’t start till after graduation, so until then, I can live in a whirlpool of comfort, sameness, and routine and THEN I’ll decide what to do with my life.” It doesn’t work that way. 
• Finally, and most importantly, who would really be there for you and who really counts? I’m going to float out a series of images here for you to think about. A wrong-place-wrong-time situation which winds you up in the back of a police car and a jail cell. A surprising and devastating car crash where you find yourself being rushed in an ambulance to the ER. A crushing family loss that leaves you heartbroken. A failed class. A crash in one’s finances. A job loss. (I realize these aren’t exactly positive images…but stick with me on this analogy). Who in this world is going to stand by you through all those things? Whose affections, friendship, and love will unwaver through terrible times and good times? And I’m not talking about family members here that are stuck to you no matter what. I’m talking about friends and significant others. Who would come pick you up from jail at 3:00AM (first of all because they can be around policeman without going into convulsions) or would sit by your sickbed day and night until you woke up? Who would stay close to you whether you had the money to pay for dinner or the taxi or not? I can tell you right now that I have some friends in my life that definitely wouldn’t be there. They would certainly check up on me through family facebook updates…or they might shoot a text or a call to say, “Hey…sorry dude. That sucks.” And you know what? Those aren’t good friends! I shouldn’t even have them as friends…maybe friendly people that I see now and then but I certainly shouldn’t invest valuable time in them when I know that deep-down they really don’t care. And I have other friends that would drop everything to be there for me no matter what. I mean, here’s a real life situation! My parents are separated and most likely headed for divorce. Who is supporting me through this hard time? Who TAKES the time to check on me and make sure I’m doing ok? Who listens and truly cares about what’s going on with me? I mean, literally lets me talk until I can’t talk anymore and then gives words of understanding and encouragement. THOSE ARE REAL FRIENDS. Those are the people you want in your life. Everyone else is just details. Yea sure they’re fun to see every now and then, but they certainly don’t take up my attention or weigh-in on important things in my life. This same thing goes for partnerships and relationships. Remember that. 
• If you had one minute left in your life before you died, to call someone (not family here, again) and tell them how much you appreciated them, cared about them, and valued them and how much they impacted your life and how thankful you were for all the things they did for you and helped you through and most of all, how much you loved them…..who would that person be? Whatever that answer is for you, think about that before you make any decisions about cutting that person out of your life for good. You’ll regret it. Because. They. Matter. 

One final thought for my recap before I try to get a million and a half other things going today…I have to say that I’m doing ok. Like I said before, I can’t change what situation I’m in right now…I can only react to what happens to me and what surrounds me in whatever way I’m comfortable with. I think last night when I was out with my friends, some of whom brought boys/boyfriends, I have to admit that the kissing and holding hands was painful to see. It was painful to see my engaged friend, whose fiance is 22 as well, and hear him talk about how crazy he is about her and would never ever in a million years dream of a life without her. Sal used to say the same thing about me…and we weren’t even engaged. :-/ Just words I guess?

Also, I think that as guys approached me, talked to me, flirted with me, etc. I found myself having a great time, but watching over their shoulders for the tall Italian to enter the room and glare at them as has would have done over the past 15 months. I found myself remembering the first time I ever took him downtown…the first time he met my friends…the first time I hung out with all of his friends downtown and Sal told me he loved how I could just “be one of the guys”…(which by the way is 100% true). I remember the smile on his face the first time he saw me dance and said, “Wow! I haven’t seen this side of you yet!”…or perhaps when we would trudge through the snow from his apartment to get to some other apartment party across the way and he would lift me down from the high curbs…or this one time when we were going to a party and this guy was walking the cutest golden retriever puppy and he said to his friends, “Go ahead…she’ll be a minute.” I mean, isn’t that sad? Isn’t it sad to realize how much you know someone and then don’t know them at all still? I mean, no person (not one) knows Sal like I do. Not any of his friends. Not even his own family members…there’s things, moments, and memories you share with a partner that you would never share with your family members. And Sal knows ME unlike any other person. I mean, I know that Sal will always take apple juice over every other kind of beverage (except maybe beer!). I know that he likes being the little spoon more than the big spoon. When he’s sick he gets this “sick voice” I call it that makes it so cute and sad that you can’t help but boil him tea, fetch him coughdrops, and scratch his back (all things I did…). No one else knows the things he worries about, stresses about, has fears about, or what hurts his feelings. There was no wall with me like there was with his friends and even his family (to some extent). I remember when we first started dating and he would say, “I’m not a big fan of PDA…so I didn’t try to hold his hand or anything in public and then he got to the point (pretty quickly) that he wanted to be seen holding my hand and kissing me. I mean, for gods sake we literally, in the middle of campus, ran to each other and he picked me up in a big bear hug. We had only been apart maybe 5 hours? Oh! And since both of us hated ultimatums, we changed it to “ultomatoes” and gave each other joking ones frequently.  

You know what thing I keep thinking of? It’s funny isn’t it? The things you remember when you start thinking back….But almost about every week, at least once, when we would be hanging out or talking…I would just climb into his lap. And we would just sort of sit there. Him holding me and me holding him…and we would just be close. It was like taking a second from the crazy week and just being together. We would talk sometimes…and other times we would just sit there. I think I did that at least once a week for maybe the first 9-10 months we were together…and then I just stopped. I think that with everything else that started going on in my life, the closeness was hard. It was like I was so immersed in protecting myself from everything else that I forgot to open it back up to him. But you want to know the really weird thing? I did it again probably the last time we were together. He was leaving soon and I just climbed in the nook and sat with him for a few minutes before he went…..it probably sounds silly to even remember this or mention it…but I just somehow got to thinking about it this week. 

I never wanted to change Sal…I never asked him to change. HE wanted to change for HIMSELF. And it so happened that he was dating me at the same time. And we never wanted to change each other — it was always about compromise, give and take.I stayed by his side faithfully through a lot of rough things. I never once told him he that there was a “dealbreaker” sin he was committing in the relationship, I always said we just needed to work on things. I supported him. Loved him. Gave everything to him. I never played games with him (I HATE games in relationships anyways). I never made fun of him in front of his friends or mine…I never put him down verbally or nagged him (I would just go move his shoes to the hallway myself)…I told him I was proud of him all the time. I thanked him for the good things he did for me. 

And you know what? That’s all I can do. That is ALL I can in the relationship. I gave what I had…I believed in us. I showed love. I gave my heart. 

It’s his choice what he does with that. 

And that’s exactly where I’m at today…and that’s exactly where I’ll be tomorrow. 

I have life to live…I’m not going to wait around and hope that something might change. I’m not going to stay in my apartment on my knees hoping something will turn around. 

No. 

I’m going to live MY life…I’m going to enjoy myself…I’m going to have a good time…I’m going to enjoy my friends (who are worth the while and care about me), I’m going to step outside my comfort zone, always come from a places of YES, meet new people, meet new friends, and have fun. 

He knows where to find me if he wants to. I would never presume to say that Sal and I are finished forever because life works in very strange ways. And I can’t say that Sal and I will work out…but I can keep being me and rocking it out and keep living my life and going forward, and if his perspective has changed in all this or will change, he knows where to find me. He knows I will always talk to him no matter what and hear things out. 

That’s how I’m feeling right now.