Being in a relationship is more than having someone to sit on the couch with. Or perhaps someone who will go eat dinner with you at a nice restaurant with romantic lighting and tasty appetizers. Or, college style, someone to get drunk with, dance with, sit by while you play video games, smoke cigarettes with — classy right? Being in a relationship is more than anniversaries, holidays, and someone to text when you get bored.

Relationships include all those things sometimes — and more — but a real relationship is so much more. 

For me, a relationship means that I’m with someone who challenges me to be more than I am. Whether that means emotionally, mentally, intellectually, etc. It means that they push me to think beyond what I’ve thought before, to challenge my emotional comfort zone and move beyond what I’ve gone through in other relationships. If you aren’t with someone who challenges you, the relationship stagnates, and conversation will soon drop off. What I mean by this, is that you don’t need to have a debate about politics at every dinner you have — but voice your opinion about subjects and topics that come up and create an environment where THAT’S OK. 

For me, a relationship means that I’m with someone who can handle the good times and the bad. This means THEY CAN WEATHER THE STORM. This means that when you are happy, your partner can be happy with you. And when you’re sad/upset/mad/frustrated/down/depressed, your partner can let you experience those emotions that best comforts you. Sal usually likes to try and cheer me up by doing something fun with me, going to get comfort food, or letting me watch my favorite TV shows. One day when he tried to make it better by doing a silly face simply because I was crying, I had to tell him that it was OK for me to be upset sometimes and cry. That sometimes I wanted to feel every emotion I was feeling and to have that be alright. And if someone can be comfortable with you in good times and bad, and not feel the need to run away, winner. 

For me, a relationship means that you can speak about anything and everything and have it be an open environment. My most recent relationship post covered this topic because it’s something I struggle with for sure, but am working on. So let’s explore this topic a little — what I mean by this is that whatever the hell I want to talk about…I CAN. I can bring up tough subjects, great subjects, exciting subjects, crappy subjects — and a fight will not happen, but a calm, mature, adult conversation will ensue. Harder said than done. Working on this one. 

For me, a relationship means mutual support. Understanding. Wanting to spend as much time with that person as they want to spend with you. NOT A FIGHT FOR POWER. No games. Equality. Kindness. Compliments. Compromises. COMMUNICATION. 

For me, a relationship means that you aren’t settling. Ever. Ever. Ever. You should never have to apologize for the things you need in a relationship. For your deepest, wildest dreams. For you right to express yourself. For your most personal thoughts, desires, beliefs. You have a right to all these things, and no one should make you feel that you don’t. I’ve been there before — not cool. Very not cool. My best advice to you is that if this is your situation at all, get out now before it’s too late. 

Harsh?

Nope. Trust me. Do you really want to be in that situation long term? Do you constantly want that nagging voice in the back of your head saying, “I’m so not happy. I don’t think this is right. Why does he/she not support me? Why do I feel like my needs aren’t heard? Why can’t we make this work? Why does he/she say those things that hurt my feelings all the time?”

Relationships aren’t about having someone to come home to after work (class/school) — someone to take you to the new restaurant in town this weekend. It’s about someone who can be a partner in this life and whatever lays beyond. Someone who can be your number 1 cheerleader and the most present person in your life — present in every single way possible. 

In the face of unspeakable odds, this recipe I’ve created here is pretty damn hard. I wish it was easy…but you know what? It takes just so so so much work. It’s nothing like the movies or books you read — but about the real work it takes every day to make one other person feel like they’re needed, loved, deserving of appreciation, and very much cared for. AND THIS SHOULD NOT BE A ONE WAY STREET. 

And perhaps that is the most important thing one can ever tell you — it takes two (for all of the above), it always has and it always will.